Have you ever wanted to sacrifice a goat to the Satanic prophet Baphomet to fill the void that your dad stabbed in your soul when he left to get cigarettes from the gas station and then never came back for 20 years, while your mom went on to marry Jeff, who is a really nice guy, but will never be your real dad, which causes you to lash out unfairly towards him, causing the hole inside you to grow bigger, leading to you sacrificing more goats? Of course you have! Well, I guess you could just go to a Black Metal show? I mean, that or the goats. Whatever suits your fancy.
Welp, I did it! I went to a Black Metal show. It was awesome! I feel better about Jeff, and I realize now that my dad will never come back, and that’s okay because If he is the type of person who leaves when you are six he will never fulfill my emotional need for a father figure, and that’s okay. It was a good time and I didn’t have to scrub the goat blood out of my My Little Pony T-Shirt. It’s amazing how I was able to get that white shirt pink! Too much? Maybe. Therapeutic? Hail yeah!
Before the show I got to do an interview with the fellas in Wormwitch up in the green room, and let me tell you, those are some of the coolest Canadians I have ever met (although I haven’t met too many in my lifetime)! They explained to me what a shower sandwich was, or shower SandWitch, as opposed to a sandwich shower, or a sandwich that is meant to be eaten in the shower. Although I’m still a little fuzzy on exactly which one their drummer was conducting, I had a good time chatting with those dudes! Keep on the lookout for that killer interview!
On to the spookfest!
We start our musical journey in the depths of the crypt, crawling through the dimly lit catacombs where Cloak reigns supreme! These leather clad, cellar-dwellers are about as cool as they come, sporting tight, leather everything with a large assortment of spikes and buttons. Although it sounds like a dated look, these guys pulled it off, somewhat due to their commitment to the look and the seriousness by which they presented themselves onstage. Cloak’s mid tempo, powerchord-heavy, blackened groovefest was a surprising treat, which turned out to be exactly what I needed at that time. While not incredibly technical, Cloak masters the groove while remaining faithful to the black metal genre. A large part of this seems to be, in part, due to the drummer’s more classic rock approach, forgoing the more modern blast beasts for something you might hear on a Mercyful Fate record. Their delectably evil sorcery has left its insidious mark on me. I am now a creature of Satan. Thanks Cloak!
Making our way out of the crypts we come across a forest that seems to stretch onward forever. Something is drawing you inward but you are not sure what. As we travel through the woods, we come across a knight, garbed in pitch black armor, carrying a violet tinted blade. He motions toward a blade wedged into the tree next to you. The battle ensues. Wormwitch killed it! Never have I ever wanted to clash steel, more than I did during their set. A bit trashier than Cloak, Wormwitch adds a more celtic flavor to their sound, melding melodic lines over their black metal tones. Their set was fast and heavy, balancing the groovier mid-paced sections with the faster thrash sections, while infusing it with melodic leads. I was having fun, the audience was having fun, and I had a smile on my face the entire set! Turns out Wormwitch was exactly what I needed also. I’ve been pretty needy lately. Anyways I slayed the knight and have donned the black armor. Now I’m the guardian of the forest. Thanks Wormwitch!
So while I was wandering my new darkly forest domain- or patrolling, so to speak, I whoopsie-daisied myself straight into a large pit filled with the remnants of humans past. Ahead of me was a path that lead me to an ancient burial sight lined with centuries-old headstones. At the end of the path appeared four hooded figures, staring, presumably, at my shiny new duds, as I could not see their faces whatsoever. Above them, a crescent moon... but it wasn’t normal… The crescent was on the bottom... And it was dripping out of the sky. As the fog rolled in, two of the hooded figures began shredding the shit out of some cool ass guitars, strumming chords at speeds I am not entirely convinced are natural. Then the bass did the same following in the guitars footsteps, while one of the guitarists starting wailing, screaming out with all the pain of thousands of generations of tortured souls! Bizarre? Yes. Cool as heck? Absolutely. What followed was an act the likes I have never seen. Uada completely blew me away, providing a blistering fast traditional black metal tone, all the while putting on an entirely unique stage show. With such a simple show, 4 hooded dudes, a smoke machine, and a gorgeous backdrop, they put on a show that I will remember for eons to come. Uada proved themselves to be the four horsemen of the apocalypse, bestowing me with visions of our dimension’s unfortunate demise. So I’m pretty sure they have made me the catalyst for the apocalypse. Thanks Uada!
Overall I had a hell of a good time! I became a creature of Satan, I fought and became the guardian of the sacred wood, and was bestowed visions of the death of all by ghostly figures. What a way to spend a Friday night!
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