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April's got some bombastic new tracks for us! (And one I really fucking hate).


DEUTSCHLAND/ Ramstein: What’s German for Ghost? Probably Geist. I love things that are like Ghost, but not Ghost. So I love this! (Also, treat yourself to an afternoon of the insanity of Ramstein's music vids.) 10 Du Geists out of 10!


Doom Woods/ Whitechapel: 10 spankings for This is Exile! Happy bday, you greasy devils! Thank you for scrubbing your demon burps into discernible language; it’s frightening and fucking lovely! 10 priests fed through a ferocious buzzsaw to make their remains into cupcakes out of 10!


Dancing in the Ashes/ Wormwitch: Epic, dusty, soaring, layered, but still so sweetly dirty, Wormwitch continues to kill it with their culty vibes and hellish harmonies, thrown in with some bluesy wild west gore fest. See them in town at the Slowdown with Uada and Cloak this month! 10 cowboy corpses out of 10.


Exist, Exist/ After the Burial: Frantic, muted drums and dingy pedal work gives After the Burial a locked in a coffin, buried alive kind of feel, screaming throats raw and pounding at the wet wood. The percussion also kind of sounds like a moist plastic chair fart. Cold and scary and screaming for life! 10 Existential Crises of Flatulence out of 10.


Head Hunter/ Dance Gavin Dance: Ra-ra core full tilt. Dance Gavin Dance have been around for a minute with their high-registered pop melodies headbutting against the medium-sized canine vocal bark with lightning fret board beep-tapping. Do you hate it? This won’t change your mind! Do you love that? Have more! How do you feel about the lyric, "you say you need a father, well baby, I'm a baller?" Hmm! B-L-E-S-S 10 M-E-S-S-E-S out of 10 (This is the one I hate).


Jawless/ Lotus Eater: Buggy, chunky, twitchy, fast, sludgy, then fast again. I love the growly vocs, but the sing-songy stuff is too radio friendly to me- like Taproot or some shit, right? But damn, I haven’t heard a song fade out in like a decade. I don’t know how to feel about it. 10 song ending copouts out of 10.


Collateral/ Bury Your Dead: More like Bury Your DAD. Mad-at-Dad metal at its maddest! Collateral is here to remind us that it’s never too late to work out our daddy issues through the power of an explosive metal tune. YOU ARE NOT DOOMED TO BECOME HIM! 10 therapy sessions out of 10.


Carnivorous Lamb/ Fleshgod Apocalypse: When I was in high-school, I was all, “Hm, this Trans-Siberian Orchestra is pretty good, but what if instead of Christmas songs, they did black hymns to the Shadow Prince of Deceit?” Fleshgod Apocalypse, where were you? No matter! I found you, better late than never! Orchestral melodies and arrangements bleed seamlessly with blackened death metal viscera to conjure something so very special. Sharpen your nails to points, organize your eye-liners, and photo-shop fangs onto all your senior photos while getting your soul and mind scrambled by this haunting little number. 10 Beelzebub’s Last Night out of 10. (That’s a joke in reference to Trans-Siberian Orchestra’s Beethoven's Last Night, and if you got that, you’re in my heart forever. If you didn’t get that, just enjoy how fucking cool you are all the time.)

Alert! Alert! Bonus Review approaching!


Ravens Flight/ Amon Amarth: Brian already reviewed this, but I just wanna say.. fuck that, because this song just makes me so fucking stoked for GoT! And Brian doesn't watch Thrones! Make him mad about it! Domination is in my blood and my blood shall feed the earth! Sword mosh! 10 Resurrected Jon Snos out of 10!

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